Worthy Of His Fame

As a law-abiding country

Here’s a thought to give us pause

How best to be humane

As we execute the laws?

In our modern and sophisticated nation

We find no joy in strangulation

Despite the dead certainty

Of medical physicians

Certain craven voices

Call for hanging’s abolition

Amid the fear-mongering

No doubt you’ve heard the tropes

Of the agonising butchery

Of death upon the rope

But we say a mournful cortège is fine

One last drop of whisky

Sublime

George Errol Coats

Near the end of his rope

A sober scene of solemnity

Befitting of his crime

Climbing the seventeen steps is fine

Saying, “Coats, you’re sentenced to death,”

Sublime

But our finest provision

Is in the polished precision

Of a pair of hands which understands

The workings of the spine

You see we have a hangman

Worthy of his fame

He’s splendidly renowned

Though I shan’t tell you his name

The science and the art

Of his fine vocation

Clean and seemly dislocation

According to mathematical formula

Of the uppermost cervical vertebra

Enabling fatality precluding any pain

And that’s why we have a hangman

Worthy of his fame

A farewell cigar is fine

A repentant au revoir

Sublime

George Edward James

Unmentioned be your name

We entrust your doom

To a nom de plume

Of particular acclaim

Indeed, we have a hangman

Worthy of his fame

He’s lauded all around

Though we don’t discuss his name

His experimentation

Has led him to the spot

Of optimal effect

In the placement of the knot

He tried it at the front

He tried it at the rear

He’s settled for the side

Just behind the left ear

A brisk humanitarian procedure is his aim

And that’s why we have a hangman

Worthy of his fame

A flag all of black

Divine

By a proud Union Jack is flyin’

Edward Tarrant

Your evil is apparent

As is the fact

Eight AM exact

Is the time you will be dyin’

At the hands of a hangman

Worthy of his fame

He’s widely acclaimed

Though I won’t divulge his name

His honourable profession

The extinguishment of life

He makes an art of killing

While avoiding civic strife

No margin for error

No rolling of the dice

Executing executions

Must be surgically precise

And thus we have a means

Of avoiding any blame

Because we have a hangman

Worthy of his fame

Judicial might is fine

Our inalienable right

To hang ‘em high

‘Twas unspeakable, your vice

Mr Charles William Price

Now cross the floor

To the cold trapdoor

That will rend you from your life

Thank God we have a hangman

Worthy of his fame

He’s a very well renowned

Certain someone with no name

Like an inversion

Of a biblical rapture

He claims bad souls

With his hangman’s fracture

Sending off the sinner

To be judged by the Lord

Via a clean transection

Of the spinal cord

And thus we have justice

Devoid of any shame

Because we have a hangman

Worthy of his fame

Preparing all his implements

He daren’t forget a thing

His rope is soaked and stretched

Removing all its spring

Add some inches

If the neck is of a certain strength

The heavier the felon is

The shorter is the length

Such pressures would drive

Any lesser man insane

That’s why we have a hangman

Worthy of his fame

At the pulling of his lever

Or the pressing of his switch

One only sees a tremble

A decerebrate twitch

He ensures at every hanging in the Dominion

The thighs, wrists, and ankles

Are appropriately pinioned

We say in our employ

He surely must remain

Our professional

Irrepressible

Sensational

Annihilational hangman

Worthy of his fame